The illuminative idea of Love has puzzled, perplexed, and preoccupied philosophers of all ages. An individual’s love for family, his love for his country, and self-love have captured the imagination of thinkers and philosophers of ages since Plato, maybe even before. Stoic philosopher Seneca was particularly interested in the relationship between love and friendship and he asserted that Love is “friendship gone mad”. Love has been described by Hesiod as a force that ‘overcomes the minds of all Gods and mortals’. Love is a central force in our life, here we would explore the idea of how to be a better lover from all aspects.
Idea of a Strong Relationship
The way to become a better lover starts from the vantage point of being in a strong relationship. It is a widely recognized fact that when two people enter into a new relationship, to say in the ‘honeymoon phase of the relationship’, due to the charm of novelty, two different people try to please each other in ways inconceivable to our senses. Mostly going out of their way, outside their comfort zone just to make their partner feel good about it.
This is from the point of human nature quite understandable as one wants to make their partner happy at all costs, is earnestly desirous to secure their attention, and henceforth is ready to participate in those tiresome activities one doesn’t like. Take the case of going on shopping or some holiday trip unwillingly, only because your partner is going.
However, the maturity of one’s relationship is not decided by that. Ultimately one day the man or woman who unwillingly participates in those activities would get tired of them. To do things that you hate, dislike, and do only for the sake of the comfort of your partner would one day lead to friction when you would be bored and naturally express your feelings of hesitancy and subsequent refusal to participate in the act because of the admittance of lack of interest.
Things can get messy after that. When one quit unnecessarily impressing each other this way, one might feel stupid and it would feel like they are losing interest or are being lazy but in reality, they are essentially going down what they always were, back to reality. A system of manners founded on a mild and polished obeisance doesn’t work for a long time in a relationship.
1. Foundations of a Strong Relationship
The strong relationship has two foundational blocks in the world we occupy today. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy together form the concrete of a mature relationship. Both elements are essential to modern age relationships and are needed in varied proportions. A good lover should possess both these qualities in adequate proportions.
Emotional intimacy gradually leads to sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is always preceded by emotional intimacy otherwise it is a sign of a superficial pretension of love and the idea of a strong relationship is bound to be destroyed. Emotional attachments are a necessity to truly enjoy healthy sex life.
2. Importance of Emotional Connection
To overlook the importance of emotional connection in a relationship is to decimate the meaning of the relationship itself. Emotions are the chief carriers of every meaningful relationship. These emotions develop organically, they grow when men and women talk, observe, listen and share little things without shame, hesitance or guilt.
Two people do not come close until they tell each other things they cry about. As a matter of observation, if a man cries in front of someone, then he automatically comes emotionally close to the person in front of them. It may be the same case with women too. Crying together is more important than laughing together, very often it helps in the formation of an inseparable relationship.
The depth of emotional connection in a long-term relationship is an assured prospect of pleasure for better lovers. Good company, lively and enchanting conversations, and the endearments of friendship make an unbeatable combination and are primary components of emotional connection. It is the surest way to have a stronger bond between the partners. To be able to have any conversation in the world without having any guilt or remorse is liberating and is a sign of an unbreakable emotional connection between both partners.
The emotional connection between men and women in long-term relationships is significant for its survival. Trust, honor, loyalty, love, and sexual arousals are the ingredients of emotional connection and emotional intimacy. The emotional intimacy of couples is the most important ingredient for their healthy sexual relationship and sexual connection. The resilient fidelity of partners to each other is the most necessary element in the development of the sexual relationship.
A better lover is always loyal to the man or woman they are in love with. The sexual desire for more than one woman, quite naturally cross the minds of a man, just like it could happen to most women but to not digress, to not transgress in such situations, to be able to subdue those temporary trespassing desires is true and is of most significant value for long term relationships to work. “Sex,” as the philosopher Roger Scruton puts it, “is the bond of society and also the force that explodes it.”
3. Adultery and Infidelity
Adultery is a phenomenon where married couples who are fond of each other and who love each other are possessed by certain sinful desires and an animalistic spirit, detached from human feelings, and therefore make sexual relations with someone else. One can acknowledge that adultery in married life after a certain time could be thrilling. People who tend to regard their short-term pleasures or people who want to escape their loveless marriage by engaging with someone else are still at the core, betraying someone else, to whom they have given some oaths, some promises.
What is essentially wrong with the faulty notion of adultery is its vain expectation that having an affair, and having emotional and physical connection outside the marriage can be a source of liberation or pleasure. It is a disregard for everything a person holds dear: family, partner, and children. All of them. Alaine de Botton brings this embittering dichotomy when he wrote:
“It is impossible to sleep with someone outside of marriage and not spoil the things we care about inside it – just as it is impossible to remain faithful in a marriage and not miss out on some of life’s greatest and most important sensory pleasures along the way.”
The way to a good, healthy married life starts from observing some restraints, and some limitations in one’s behavior so that one’s marriage, commitments to which one deep down adheres, remain unbroken. It is possible sometimes those oaths, those marriage vows break, and it is possible that emotional infidelity or physical infidelity could occur occasionally, but they ought to remain proud of how for the most part they have remained committed to each other fulfilling the obligations.
4. Spirit of the Sexual Act
For a better lover, the spirit of the sexual act must align with the obligations which they took mutually. The sexual act must not be attempted to detach itself from love, the partner’s body should not be considered like an object or mechanical doll which one could operate how one wants to. The partner’s body should be viewed as sacred, as something indistinguishable from one’s own body and aligned with the soul. The purpose of sex for a lover shall be the union of their soul with that of their partner.
This traditional view of sexual relationships has been radically subverted and altered by the progressives in the pursuit of sexual liberation. Sexual pleasure was redefined as the central aim of sex life and to be a better lover was interpreted in terms of having better sex. Sexual relations were viewed merely as obtaining bodily transactions without any significant value associated with them.
The idea of viewing sex without any restraints, without any form of sexual morality possessed the progressives who were turbulent, discontented men of quality with continual breaches against established manners and customs regarding sex. The only form of sexual morality remained that of the consent, of ‘Yes or No‘. All other distinctions between moral sex and immoral sex were declared null and void.
At the core of this new ethic of sex was its emptiness of any commitment, of any sentiment, of any feeling. It was deliberately designed by progressives as a sort of contract without any strings attached, without any form of commitment.
The origin of a class of libertines around the revolution in France, who viewed life as a ground of pleasures of all kinds was one of the most devastating chapters of human life on the earth. These libertines justified all sorts of sexual debauchery like indulging in orgies, adultery, threesomes, and foursomes. For them, sex was always about pleasure and friction of body parts. Love and commitment for them were traditional virtues that were to be disbanded for the progress of society. This sexual perversion still could not deny the human need and desire for a stable and prosperous family and gradually the vicious influence of libertines decreased in society.
The romantic encounter between great lovers in the literature has always focused primarily on the feelings of love; sex was always considered a byproduct, or often irrelevant to the larger set-up in general. Other obligations like mutual trust and loyalty were given primacy in the love life of two partners. Sexual pleasure is always formed essentially as an expression of love and emotional intimacy between couples. Roger Scruton has very poignantly argued:
“Sexual pleasure is not a pleasurable sensation, such as you might obtain from a hot bath or a taste of sugar. It is a directed pleasure, like the pleasure you take watching a child at play. It is pleasure in and with another person. It is not reducible to any sensation in the body or its organs but involves our whole stance toward the other, who is the true object of desire.”
5. An Important Point to Remember for a Great Lover
A great lover possesses in the first place an emotional connection with her partner. The consent is not sought or obtained but implied in the actions of both individuals, expressed in the partner’s body language. This is what a great lover inimitably achieves with his or her emotions.
While progressives scoff at such sexual ethics calling them old and repressive, people who believe in sexual morality argue that sexual connection and relationship should not have such a low bar as consent, it is indeed a bare minimum. As sexual relations are complex and fraught with shame, embarrassment, hesitance, and other vague feelings of right and wrong, a more broad and sophisticated theory of sexual morality is needed.
If someone is too often forced to share a bed with those who don’t understand or fathom their soul, with someone they don’t have any emotional connection with, with someone who would believe in the awkward modern age superstition of “fuck and fly“, should it not be believed that it is time to quit those modern values which are essentially corrupting our human soul?
The modern progressive assumption that sex is just another random act like eating or playing or drinking with no significant specialty, no intrinsic value attached is at the very heart false. This is why we are horrified by any story of sexual assault.
The constituents of making love are not spicy as some would like us to believe. To make love to someone is to acknowledge the divinity of their soul. To make love to someone is to feel an inexplicable connection to that person. To make love to someone is to commingle own body and spirit with theirs in a way two become indistinguishable. To make love to someone is to accept their whole, their flaws, their niceties as your own. To make love to someone is to devote yourself to the other and to care about them deeply and profoundly.
A great lover should remember these essential compounds to experience the true joy of lovemaking, of soul union. The hookups and casual sex with anyone you want to might make you feel liberated or give you a sense of pleasure for some time, but it often imprints our soul with painful agonies, and deep down we always yearn for selfless love which transcends the bodies of ourselves, we wish to give our love to someone who truly cares about us.
Crawling into bed with dozens of people means that you are with persons who are just using you for their bodily pleasure, they don’t care about you. And no one wants to be with that person who doesn’t care about you and is using you.
6. Lovemaking Sessions: How to Make Love
The “How to make love” question is sure to amuse the generation which is drowned in the ugly sea of pornography and loveless sex. The gentler attitude towards sex has been replaced by the kinky attitude which is animalistic in spirit and perverted in its approach.
Pornography consumption has changed the way we approach the idea of lovemaking, it is solely situated around sexual organs, no more and no less. The negative consequences of pornography are twofold. Watching pornography desensitizes the normal sexual stimulation of an individual and leads to unrealistic expectations from the partner. As Alaine de Botton wrote on the madness that the evil of pornography is:
“ Pornography asks that we leave behind our ethics, our aesthetic sense, and our intelligence when we contemplate it so that we give ourselves over wholly to the most mindless sort of lust. The plots are daft, the lines of dialogue absurd, the actors exploited, the interiors ugly and the photographs voyeuristic – hence the feeling of disgust that overtakes us the moment we are done with it.”
Leaving the dark web of pornography we now proceed further to look at how a relationship is based on love, and how a good lover should approach the act of lovemaking. One of the most important things is to sit together and talk about your comforts, expectations, and desires openly with your partner without so much shame and hesitance. There should be actively listening to each other’s desires and one should talk if either of the two feels disconnected. Then the part of eroticism comes.
The importance of a good place for sexual intercourse is necessary. The creation of an inviting environment, where the mood of intercourse develops, where erotic poems or movies add to the feeling of growing heat is an inducing factor. To feel inclined towards sex, both should playfully stare at each other in a way that is touching, the eye contact should be indicative of burning passion and love for each other. They should make sure that the eye contact is deep and erotic.
Before intercourse, foreplay is a necessary ritual where both partners explore each other, play, and fondle each other in a child-like manner. Undressing each other, lying naked on each other, listening to their heartbeat, puffing and blowing up of mouth on the navel, eating the cheeks, and kissing each other; all are joyous expressions of deep love for each other and are not just physically fulfilling but emotionally fulfilling as well.
The concentration shifts from eyes to lips, shoulders, nipples, stomach, thighs, and buttocks. All of these parts should be fondly caressed, in a chaste and child-like way if possible. The giving, the offering of the self is the most beautiful thing around which these acts and ultimately the idea of good sex is placed.
Then comes the main part of lovemaking: vaginal intercourse. The act of entering into another body is a symbolic act of the union of two souls. The entering of the penis into the vagina is deeply symbolic in that way. It should be approached softly, with affection.
Taking care of a partner’s satisfaction, one should try novel sexual techniques where they experience joy. A sexual technique like that of pulling the hair while making love increases the enthusiasm and rhythm of the intercourse. In a subtle, almost wordless communication, the woman could express their partner by gently spanking them on the buttocks, and butt and scratching their nipples as an untried, new sexual technique.
Unfulfilling Sexual Experience
Due to several factors, a person may not enjoy sex which can later destroy the relationship. Unfulfilling sexual experience and the incompleteness of sexual appetite are often expressed by many women and men. Men face problems like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation while women face problems of inability to have an orgasm and excessive pain during intercourse. Couples should have bold conversations over these issues and consult a gynecologists’ if required.
Sex after some time indeed becomes a liability for partners, which they no longer enjoy. An imperative, corrective action in such a case is that physical connection should be reimagined through paying attention to each other and trying new and different positions of sex.
Reading sex manuals like Kamasutra can help further. Most women and men love novelty and to become a better lover, novelty is a necessary quality. To reconnect on the emotional level if both feel disconnected is also very necessary as a corrective action. The negative feelings towards each other if they exist should be discarded as well. These few things would reignite the dormant fire between the couples.
Also Read: Dating on the Internet: Love or not Love?
For a better lover, the idea of love and sex are precious possessions and sacred. He holds them as beautiful and meaningful. The offering of the self is the core of the act of sexual intercourse. A better lover recognizes it, he alongside recognizes that a sexual relationship holds no meaning and therefore no pleasure if it is not emotional. Affection and love are important for better sex and better relationship as well. These principles prevail in several individuals of mankind in different proportions. And all such individuals have the underlying potential to excel themselves as better lovers for their partners.